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Contents

Academic

Calculus

Three guys were in a bar having drinks. Their names were sin(x), cos(x) and tan(x). A lonely guy called e(x) walked into the bar, ordered a drink and sat in one corner with a long face.

sin(x)walked up to him and said 'Why don't you come and integrate with the rest of us?'

e(x) said 'Why bother, it wouldn't make a difference'.

Personal Development

Aging

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,"Momma, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?"

Philosophy

Car Bumper Stickers

'Marriage' is not a word. It's a scentence.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Don't drink and drive. You'll spill it.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

God is coming. Look busy.

Minimum wage for politicians.

Maddness takes its toll. Please use exact change.

Give blood - play Hockey.

Welcome to Washingon. Please set your watch back 20 years.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048 meter pole.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

Stop repeated offenders. Don't re-elect them.

Money isn't everything. But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Professional

Professional Conduct

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .."

Lawyer quotes

QUOTES FROM THE WITNESS STAND...

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th

Q: What year?

A: Every year.


Q: And what gear were you in at the time of impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five I think, I can't remember which.

Q: And how long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am i Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.


Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well I think.


Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which i sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


AND FROM THE LIPS OF THE LAWYERS...

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


Q: This myasthenia gravis-- does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?


Q: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: Was it you or your younger brother that was killed in the war?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?


Q: Did he kill you?


Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at the time?


Q: She has three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Mr Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And did you take your new wife?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.

Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy?


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


And the topper...


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then is it not possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!!

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.


IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.

AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.


IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior

AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior


IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.


IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.


IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.

AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.


IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.


IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.

AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct

taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.


IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.


IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK...they are called managers.

Career Advice

Sayings That Should Be On Inspirational Posters

  • If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
  • Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
  • A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
  • Plagiarism saves time.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
  • TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
  • Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
  • The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  • Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
  • We waste time so you don’t have to.
  • Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
  • Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
  • A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
  • When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
  • INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
  • Succeed in spite of management.
  • Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.


The Bird and The Bull

A turkey and bull are at the bottom of a tree and the bird says to the bull: "I wish i could get to the top of the tree but i have no energy." The bull says: "Eat some of my dung because it has proteins in which will give you energy." So the turkey takes some and eats a little every day, getting higher and higher up the tree until he reaches the top. Then the farmer shots him down.

The moral of the story is: Bullshit will get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

The Crow and The Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Job Interviews

Most Unusual Questions

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

Unusual Actions

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

Unusual statements

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

My legs are really hairy.

McDonalds Job Application

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.


Stupidity

Stupid Gameshow Contestants

'The funniest and best list of Family Fortunes answers. Contestants from the ITV (UK) Family Fortunes game-show are asked to guess the most popular answers to questions posed in a survey. Some of these 'Family Misfortunes' answers are actually very witty and not as daft as they are often made out to be. Some also result from slightly mis-hearing or misunderstanding the question. Some of the funny answers actually appear in the survey results. The 'Feet' answer below is apparently one such example. Whatever, the funny answers from Family Fortunes are some of the funniest things you will ever read, and strangely the amusement doesn't seem to dim, no matter how many times you revisit them. Family Fortunes, and the 'Family Misfortunes' spin-off show featuring the funny answers, still run on TV and the show remains a rich source of hilariously funny answers like these below. Send your own favourite Family Fortunes answers.'



An animal you cannot fit into a Mini car: "Mouse.."

A food that has one or more holes in it: "Spaghetti.." (Anthony Costa was no doubt thinking of Spaghetti Hoops. The delightful Costa family also produced the 'cotton wool' answer below.)

Something made of wool: "Cotton wool.."

An animal with three letters: "Lion.."

A bad place to fall asleep: "Concrete.."

A French ferry port: "Dover.."

Something you mount: "A mountain.."

Something you lose when you get older: "Your purse.."

A sport which involves throwing something: "Tennis.."

A type of bean: "Lesbian.." (This and the one above were the product of Brian Dowling's fertile imagination, on a celebrity edition of the show, in which the 'purse' answer also arose.)

Something you would play with in the bath: "A bazooka.."

Someone you wouldn't swear in front of: "Yourself.."

A country where Arabic is spoken: "Nigeria.."

Someone or something whose existence has never been proven: "Hitler.."

A number you might have to memorise: "Seven.."

Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."

Something that comes in pairs: "Rabbits.."

A way of toasting someone: "Over a fire.."

A Boy's name beginning with the letter J: "Gerald.."

An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."

A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."

A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."

A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."

An animal with horns: "A bee..."

A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."

Something made of wool: "A sheep.." (Interestingly when this question appeared again in a show aired in November 2009, the 'sheep' answer was second most popular among the public surveyed - perhaps influenced by seeing this daft answer so many times over the years.)

Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."

Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."

An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."

Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."

Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."

A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."

A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."

A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."

(Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")

Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."

Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."

A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."

A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."

A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."

Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."

A famous Dick: "Carrot.."

A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."

Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."

Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."

A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."

A yellow fruit: "Orange.."

An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."

Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."

A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."

Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."

Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."

A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."

Something you beat: "An apple.."

Something associated with rain: "Water.."

An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."

Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."

A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."

A popular TV soap: "Dove.."

Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."

Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."

Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."

A fast animal: "A hippo.."

Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."

Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."

A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."

Something that has a shell: "Batman.."

Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."

Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."

Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."

A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."

A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."

An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."

A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."

An animal with big ears: "A bear.."

Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."

A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."

Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."

A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."

Something you pull: "A potato.."

An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."

A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."

A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."

A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."

Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.."

A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."

Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."

Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."

Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."

A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."

A type of record: "A floppy disk.."

A type of large cat: "Persian.."

A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."

Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."

An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."

A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."

Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."

A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."

A game played in the dark: "Charades.."

Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."

A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."

A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."

Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."

A famous royal: "Mail.."

Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."

An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."

An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."

Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."

A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."

One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."

A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."

The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."

Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."

A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."

A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."

Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."

A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."

An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."

Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."

A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."

A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.."

An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."

Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."

Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."

A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.."

A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."

A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eacock.."

Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."

Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."

Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.."

A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."

Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."

A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."

A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.."

A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.."

Something red: "My cardigan.."

A kind of ache: "Fillet-o-fish.."

Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."

Something with a hole in it: "A window.."

Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."

Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."

A domestic animal: "A leopard.."

Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."

Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.."

Something a blind man might use: "A sword.."

The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.."

Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."

More (may have duplicates)

Name a job around the house that has to be done every fall: Spring cleaning.

Name something you shouldn't leave in the car when it's hot: A wallet.

Name a specific part of the body that's hard to keep a band-aid on: Hair.

Name something children bring home from school: Colds.

Name a state that borders Canada: New Jersey.

Name the month with the best weather: January.

Name something you take to the beach: A turkey.

Name a brand of gasoline: Regular.

Name something that usually comes with a summer storm: Snow.

Something you open other than a door: Your bowels.

Name something made of leather that a cowboy uses: A purse.

Name something that can kill a lively party: Guns.

Name something that is prohibited on most beaches: Sex.

Name something you should do in moderation or you'll be sorry later: Sex.

Name something you might buy that could turn out to be phony: A horse.

The price of a dozen roses: $1.75.

Besides a bird, name something in a birdcage: Hamster.

What month does a pregnant woman start to show?: September.

Name a sport that has laps: Baseball.

Name an article of clothing that children are always losing: Their pants.

Name something you might accidentally leave on all night: Your shoes.

Name something that some people do clothed that others do without clothes: Ride a motorcycle.

Name the first thing you take off after work: Underwear.

Name the most romantic-sounding musical instrument: Drums.

Name something that people cheat on: The Chicago Bears.

Real or fictional, name a famous Willie: Willie the Pooh.

Name any of Santa's reindeer: Snippy.

Name an animal with 3 letters in it's name: Alligator.

Name a holiday that the stores are always busy during: Monday.

What is the heaviest item in your house?: 600 pounds.

Name a children's story or rhyme about a character named Peter: Peter, Paul, and Mary.

Name something that dries up when it gets old: George Burns.

A famous group of singers: The Simpsons.

What time do you wake up?: In the morning.

What time do you go to bed?: At night.

Name something you put in tea: Tea bag.


Name something a blind person might use: A sword.

Name a song with moon in the title: Blue suede moon.

Name a bird with a long neck: Naomi Campbell.

Name an occupation where you need a torch: A burglar.

Name a famous brother & sister: Bonnie & Clyde.

Name a dangerous race: The Arabs.

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers: A horse.

Name something that floats in the bath: Water.

Name something you wear on the beach: A deckchair.

Name something Red: My cardigan.

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers.

Name a famous royal: Mail.

A number you have to memorize: 7.

Something you do before going to bed: Sleep.

Something you put on walls: Roofs.

Something in the garden that's green: Shed.

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine: A bicycle with wings.

Something you might be allergic to: Skiing.

Name a famous bridge: The bridge over troubled waters.

Something a cat does: Goes to the toilet.

Something you do in the bathroom: Decorate.

Name an animal you might see at the zoo: A dog.

Something associated with the police: Pigs.

A sign of the zodiac: April.

Something slippery: A conman.

A kind of ache: Fillet 'O' Fish.

A jacket potato topping: Jam.

A famous Scotsman: Jock.

Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones.

Something with a hole in it: Window.

A non-living object with legs: Plant.

A domestic animal: Leopard.

A part of the body beginning with 'N': Knee.

A way of cooking fish: Cod.

http://members.fortunecity.com/gameshowplaza/fff.htm

Cerebrally Challenged People

1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." ---Mariah Carey

3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." ---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." ---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, (answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes)

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward

7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." ---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."---Hillary Clinton (commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents)

10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." ---Former French President Charles De Gaulle

11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."---A Congressional Candidate in Texas

12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."---Former U.S. Vice-president Dan Quayle

13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland

14. "When your back's against the wall, it's time to turn around and fight." --John Major (former UK Prime Minister)

15. And last but not least, a parting word from Dan Quayle: "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." Mario Andretti.

"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck." Don Schula.

"Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!" Frank Carson.

"Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse." Richard Sasuly.

"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss." Jim Murray.

"Of course I have played outdoor games. I once played dominoes in an open air cafe in Paris." Oscar Wilde.

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that." Bill Shankly.

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height." Woody Allen.

"Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of them serious."

"Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up." Muhammad Ali.

"If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits somewhere else." Gordon Sinclair.

"It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon playing golf." Henry Aaron.

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down." Rita Rudner.

"Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country." Ian Rush.

"If at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you." Henry Youngman.

"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" Steven Wright.

"Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night." Peter Ustinov.

"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you." Paul Newman.

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." Steven Wright.

"They called it golf because all the other four letter words were taken." Walter Hagen.

"In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete." Yakov Smirnoff.

"I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won." Muhammad Ali.

"Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a public service announcement, so much so that he makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating." Alex Ramsey.

"One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him." Jeffrey Bernard.

"Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint." Billy Connolly.

"When Peter Beardsley appears on television, daleks hide behind the sofa." Nick Hancock.

"The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important." Bobby Robson.

"We've lost seven of our last eight matches. The only team that we have beaten is Western Samoa. It's a good job we didn't play the whole of Samoa." Gareth Davies.

"Winning isn't everything: It's the only thing." Vincent Lombardi. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." [Greg Norman]

"I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead." [Sam Goldwyn]

"If I drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive." [Sam Goldwyn]

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." [Frak Rizzo, ex police chief and mayor of Philadelphia]

Technology

Technical Support

Ramu : I've just become a member of Rotrary Club. Somu : Public member or private?


Ramu : Hey, my submarine is not sinking into the water! What could be wrong? Somu : May be you have used float instead of double in the software.


PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500 rupees to Suthi? Bull : Sure, why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether it's pass by value or pass by reference. PS : ?!


Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer. Somu : How do you know that? Ramu : He asked my physical address instead of my home address!


Ramu : Shhhh, I think the Software Engineer who is sitting in the next cube must have been a farmer previously. Somu : How do you know? Ramu : He asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields!


Computer : Please sit over the hard disk to compress the files!


Computer : Please pour Engine oil in the floppy drive to enhance the performance of Search Engine.


Ramu : Why people are beating that SW engg black and blue? Somu : It seems, he asked one of them that whether "vante mataram" is new kind of RAM in the market!


Ramu : Hey, I think that SW Engg is very very naive. Somu : How do you know that? Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.


Ramu : Hey, whats time now? Somu : System time or local time?


Ramu : Hey, I have a problem. My system is not booting up! Somu : may be, its internal buses are on strike, check out!


Ramu : (while browsing the TV) What is this? I have heard of Star Sports, Star Movies and Star Plus. Whats this Star Equals? Is it a new Star Channel? Somu : No. = operator has been overloaded in Star Channel.


Geetha : I think that SW Engg is very naive Seetha : How do you know that? Geetha : He believes "Rascal" is a new version of Pascal!


Ramesh : Hey. you know. Micorsoft Visual C++ 5.0 has got everything. The Developer Studio can really do magic. Umesh : Can we use that to develop the photo-negatives?


Ramu : Why are you wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth? Somu : Clear command is not working properly for my terminal. thats why?


Babu : Yesterday I bought a new TV whose terminal is compatible with computer. but its audio portion is not at all working Gopi : May be its compatible only with dumb terminals?


Vani : We have shifted our home to Malleswaram now. Soni : Right shift or left shift?


Kannamma : Do you have Design Specs for brinjal sambar? Ponnamma : You mean recipe?


Ramu : Somu, I am going to file a case against my landlord yaar. He's harassing me too much. Somu : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case


Vanish : Hey. why is that sardaarji inserting a cover into the floppy drive?. Bull : He wants to send an e-mail it seems!


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer : "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer "No." Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"


Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer:: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer: "No."


Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?" Tech Support::


Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"


Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?" Customer:: "A white one."


Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt." Customer:: "How do you spell that?"


Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."


Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?" Customer:" Pentium."


Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."


Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."


Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"


Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.


2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.


3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.


4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.


5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses . shouldn't be taken personally.


6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer -- but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.


7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed o! n this f oot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.


8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

10. A story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken, and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

SOFTWARE HUSBAND Husband : ( Returning late form work ) "Good evening Dear, I'm now logged in." Wife : Have you brought the ring ? Husband : Bad command or filename. Wife : But I told you in the morning . Husband : Erroneous syntax. Wife : What about my new blouse ? Husband : Variable not found . Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied . Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ? Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!. Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch. Wife : You are a useless nut. Husband : Default Parameter. Wife : What about your Salary ? Husband : Access denied. File in use. Wife : Who was in the car this morning ? Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot

Reply by the wife the next time the same incident happened

Husband : ( Returning late form work ) "Good evening Dear, I'm now trying to log in." Wife: the system is locked. Pls Contact Administrator

Husband: Now who is in parallel with ME? Wife: Kernel 32

Husband: Im doing all this for you and how can you do this to me? Wife: Erroneous Syntax

Husband: I will have to file for divorce now Wife: Passcode Accepted. Safe Mode On

Husband: I will bring your ring tomorrow for sure Wife: Too many parameters

Husband: I will have to give you a dose of your own poision Wife: This program is not responding. End Now

How does Microsoft make huge profits:

by eliminating NOISE:

N - Netscape

O - Oracle

I - IBM

S - Sun Microsystems

E - Everything else.

Computer Purchase

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT:Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT:Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT:The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT:Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT:One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

Travel & Culture

European Prejudices

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH

  1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them
  2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer
    1. You can legally kill yourself
    2. You can legally be killed
  3. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
  4. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
  5. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition
  6. You can put your finger in a d**e and it will save your country
  7. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours
  8. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans
  9. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN

  1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly
  2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country
  3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer
  4. You are either
    1. Like the Dutch, just less efficient
    2. Like the French, just less romantic
    3. Like the Germans, just less intelligent
  5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer
  6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and the French and they make fun of you
  7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade
  8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
  9. All your famous countrymen are imaginary
  10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH

  1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
  2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
  3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
  4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
  5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4
  6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
  7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
  8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
  9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just sh!t in the street
  10. People think you're a great lover even when you smell and you're not.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN

  1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world
  2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer
  3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hours ozone-hole radiation the other half
  4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope
  5. You can go skiing in your knickers
  6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football
  7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere
  8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious
  9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you
  10. You can actually get bored with blondes


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

  1. Two World Wars and One World Cup
  2. Warm beer
  3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
  4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
  5. Union jack underpants
  6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
  7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
  8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not
  9. Ditto changing underwear
  10. Beats being Welsh, Irish or Scottish


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH

  1. You ain't English!
  2. You ain't English!
  3. You ain't English!
  4. You ain't English!
  5. You ain't English!
  6. You ain't English!
  7. You ain't English!
  8. You ain't English!
  9. You ain't English!
  10. You ain't English!


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN

  1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
  2. Unembarrassed to wear fur
  3. No need to worry about tax returns
  4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC
  5. Can wear sunglasses inside
  6. Political stability
  7. Flexible working hours
  8. Live near the Pope
  9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
  10. Country run by Sicilian murderers


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH

  1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
  2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
  3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc
  4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
  5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
  6. Honesty
  7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
  8. You get to eat bull's testicles
  9. You cry for Gibraltar
  10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN

  1. .
  2. .
  3. .
  4. .
  5. .
  6. .
  7. .
  8. .
  9. .
  10. .


Ok, let's give them a second chance:


  1. Oktoberfest
  2. Oktoberfest-beer
  3. BMW
  4. VW
  5. Audi
  6. Mercedes
  7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world
  8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language
  9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious
  10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet)

For the Indians

IT Company Abbreviations

  • NIIT : Not Interested in IT
  • WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
  • HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses
  • TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions
  • INFOSYS :Inferior Offline Systems
  • HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
  • BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds
  • IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines
  • SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
  • PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
  • C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings
  • AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible
  • CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort
  • DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers
  • BFL : Brainwash First and Let them go
  • TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.
  • PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India
  • ORACLE : On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.
  • PATNI: Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No Increments

Top 15 Things An Indian Does When Returning to India

15. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.

14. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious.

13. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.

12. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi". Says "Yogurt" instead of "Curd". Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi". Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit". Says "Free Way" instead of "Highway". Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go". Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)

11. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)

10. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

9. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed)

8. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"

7. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.

6. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.

5. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is xperiencing it for the first time. 4. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.

Ultimate one 1. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

Jesus' Nationality

COMPELLING REASONS WHY JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN

  1. His first name was Jesus.
  2. He was always in trouble with the law.
  3. His mother didn't know who his father was.

COMPELLING REASONS WHY JESUS WAS ITALIAN

  1. He talked with his hands.
  2. He had wine with every meal.
  3. He worked in the building trades.

COMPELLING REASONS WHY JESUS WAS BLACK

  1. He called everyone brother.
  2. He had no permanent address.
  3. Nobody would hire him.

COMPELLING REASONS WHY JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN

  1. He never cut his hair.
  2. He walked around barefoot.
  3. He invented a new religion.

AND FINALLY, PROOF THAT JESUS WAS GREEK AUSTRALIAN

  1. He went into his father's business.
  2. He lived at home until he was 33.
  3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Californians

You know you're from California when...../Californians are better because............

Everyone hates cops

You live next door to mexicans

You say "like" and "for sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "totally" and "peace out" and "chill" and "tight" and "bro" and "hell of" and "hella"(Nor Cal only) and "faded" and "stoked" and "fo sho" and you say them often

You know what real cheese taste like.

All the porn you watch is made here, cause we fuck better and thats how it is.

You don't get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear.

You can wear sandals all year long.

You go to the Beach - not "down to the shore."

You know 65 mph really means 100.

When someone cuts you off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we dont fuck around on the road.

The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border).

Our governor can kick your governors ass.

You can go out at midnight.

You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code.

You might get looked at funny by locals when you're on vacation in their state, but when they find out you're from California you turn into a Greek GOD.

We don't stop at stop signs... we do a "california roll" No cop no stop baby!

You can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day.

All the TV shows you "other" states watch get filmed here.

EVERYONE smokes weed. no exceptions.

We're the Golden State. Not the Cheese State. Not the Garden State.....GOLDEN!!!

We have In-N-Out (Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them).

We have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means our opinion means more than yours, which means we're better than you.

The best athletes come from here.

We got disneyland....wut now!

We have The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf which is way better than Starbucks.

We call it soda, not pop.

Oh, and no one from California calls it Cali... that's how we know you're not from around here.


The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

Your sense of direction=Toward the ocean and away from the ocean.

You eat an In n Out burger at least once a week!!!

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bullet-proof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

You can't find your other earring because your son/brother is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains "significant others."

You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch."

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.


All highways into the state say: "no fruits."

All highways out of the state say: "Go back."

The Terminator is your governor

You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH"

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from California.

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

You don't care what race people are because you're too busy wondering what gender they are.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

The normal symbols on restrooms mean "people wearing pants" and "people wearing skirts".

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S &M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

Both you AND your dog have therapists.

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

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Minnesota

You Know You're From Minnesota When...

  • The weather is usually 80% of your conversation.
  • When you say "down south" you're referring to Iowa.
  • You call highways "freeways."
  • Snow tires came standard on your car.
  • You've never taken public transportation.
  • 75% of your graduating high school class went to the University of Minnesota.
  • "Perkins" was the only hangout option in high school.
  • You assume when you say "The Cities" people know where you're talking about.
  • You can list all the "-dales."
  • People from other states love to hear you say words with "o"s in them.
  • In a conversation you've heard someone say "yah sure, you betcha" and you didn't laugh.
  • You hate the movie "Fargo" but realize you and your entire family have that same accent.
  • You get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota.
  • You know the 2 sports-related reasons why we hate Dallas.
  • Nothing gets you more upset than seeing a Green Bay sticker on a MN car.
  • The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks.
  • You're a loyal Target shopper.
  • You've frozen your tongue on a metal handrail before.
  • You own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a 4 wheel drive vehicle.
  • You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees outside in March, but you bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60.
  • You have gone trick-or-treating in 3 feet of snow.
  • You've not only walked across a lake, you've driven across one.
  • Everyone you know has a cabin or, at least, access to one.
  • You know that Lake Wobegon isn't real and you know who made it up, where they live, and exactly what you want to do about it.
  • You have friends who schedule their wedding in the middle of January without a thought about weather conditions.
  • You consider a six inch snowfall a blessing for "the cities" because it provides instant urban renewal.
  • You keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it isn't worth taking them off for only two months.
  • Your local Dairy Queen is closed from December through February.
  • You believe the only REAL vehicles have skis in front and a loud motor under your seat.
  • You consider snow banks to be "just another rough" on the golf course.
  • You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
  • You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.
  • Your town isn't trying to be ironic when it plans a "winter carnival."
  • The temperature in March is above freezing for three days in a row, and you think it's summer.
  • You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire East Coast.
  • You think happiness is owning a "piece of lakeshore."
  • You never meet any celebrities except The "BODY"
  • You know what and where "Dinkytown" is.
  • When you talk about "opener" you are not talking about cans.
  • You have refused to buy something because it's too "spendy."
  • You believe that the Vikings would have won four Super Bowls by now if they were still playing in Metropolitan Stadium.
  • You are convinced the Twins will never win the pennant because the owners are too cheap to pay the good players, so they all leave.
  • Your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
  • You grew up thinking rice was only for dessert.
  • You think that ketchup is a little too spicy.
  • Your gas station thinks "full service" means filling your gas tank, washing the windshield, checking the oil and being friendly to the customers.
  • You (or your parents) voted for Mondale.
  • You've seen "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in Uptown.
  • You know that everyone has a city preference -- Minneapolis or St. Paul.
  • You can honestly claim Germanic / Scandinavian ancestors, and have been known to say "ya" instead of "yes"
  • Upon seeing an ocean for the first time, you say, "Hey! That looks like Lake Superior!"
  • You know what "going up north" means
  • You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Minnesota.
  • When sometimes in april you have a snow storm and sometimes its 90 degrees...
  • You know you're minnesotan when nobody ever EVER plans weddings or get-togethers on opening fishing

Big City Life

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his 63 split window Corvette to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $10,000. The loan officer requested collateral. The man said, well then, here are the keys to my Corvette. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him $10,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the banks door, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $10,000 in principal and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and was given the keys to his Corvette back.

As the man walked away the loan officer said, "Wait, sir. While you were gone, I found out you were a multimillionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $10,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Corvette where it was safe in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Uncategorized

Finance

Money

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. ~Sam Ewing

Uncategorized

Mysteries of Life

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn\'t he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Gender

Noun Genders in English

SWISS ARMY KNIFE Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL Female...Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Advice

One Liners

My friend is so dumb, he turned himself in to collect the reward money.

Uncategorized

Pictures

Funny Pictures

Sports

Soccer Humor

Soccer Humor

Uncategorized

Wise Words

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone €20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.

Worldplay

Relatives

Success is relative...when you're successful, you'll find relatives.

Double Meanings

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... Cheap...........no strings attached .

Ad.. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off .

Sign In A Bar: "Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance."

Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother !

Mistranslations

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In the window on a Swedish furrier: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Seen in a Slovenian restaurant: PLEASE TELL ALL YOUR COMPLAINTS TO THE COCK IN THE KITCHEN

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